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5 Things I’m grateful for today:  1) my mala beads 2) running into old friends on Montana  3) a reminder from my friend Michele that, no matter how things turn out,  time spent in love is never time wasted. 4) pinkberry with mango, mochi, rasberries & honey 5) a clean white tank from “Splits59”

The 7 stages of grief:  1) shock & denial 2) pain & guilt 3) bargaining & anger 4) reflection & loneliness 5) the upward turn 6) reconstruction 7) acceptance

Grief: Stage 2

Well, today It’s been one week since I lost Dagny.  Actually…. 6 days and 22 ½ hours to be exact.  As much as I’d like to skip the 2^nd 3^rd & 4^th stages of Grief  & skip right to step 5: “the upward turn”, I know that’s not exactly how this whole process works.

The merciful 1st stage was achingly short, and I feel like I was forcefully thrust directly into the throes of phase 2.  Pain:  Yes.  The throbbing kind that pierces the front temporal lobe & maliciously works it’s way directly into your heart, and then just kind of lingers there.  Guilt: Oh Yes.  And it’s second cousin; Regret.  For the first couple days, I pretty much stayed in my sweats and wondered why I ever bother loving ANYTHING, since it always seems to end in some kind of heart-wrenching disaster.  (Now…. fortunately, I have the intellectual fortitude to acknowledge these kind of dramatic thoughts as emotional rhetoric.  UNfortunately…. My internal Emma Woodhouse cajoles my heart to indulge in such theatrical musings all too often).  After a good long bout with this type of self indulgent angst (which I suggest the experts add as ‘stage 2 ½ ’), I was able to simultaneously progress to ‘anger & bargaining’, while still firmly rooted in ‘pain & guilt’.  Awesome.  Awesome like a roundhouse kick to the face by Chuck Norris.

During the few days I spent straddling the 2^nd & 3^rd phases (still in my sweats for the most part) I was fortunate to have many friends who provided me comfort in the form of tea, meals, texts, calls, posts, shoulders to cry on…… and pinkberry.  One friend even helped me pick out some homeopathic herbal drops (which, I suspect are not quite as effective when dropped into Diet Cherry Dr. Pepper).  In essence, I had a team of healers.  My own personal ‘Shamans’.  ALL of whom seemed tirelessly happy to put their lives on hold to help me stay afloat.  This love and selfless compassion helped me recover from stage 2, which led me to…..

Grief: Stage 3

Bargaining: It seems that even a romantic dreamer like myself knows better than to try to ‘bargain’ my way out of a death….

Anger: I experienced this uncomfortable phase as an offshoot of Guilt.  Therefore…. The anger I felt was not directed at God, or The Universe’s “plan”, or others.  MY anger was squarely aimed at one person alone.  Me.  My whole life, I have been brutally hard on myself…. demanding an elusive perfection impossible to attain.  In this case, I was angry at myself for not being able to save my puppy, for being sad, for missing one day of work, for not healing fast enough, for letting people down, for burdening my friends and family (again), etc., etc., etc…….  I am exceedingly forgiving of others, but have a truly arduous time extending the same courtesy to myself.  This is something I am working on… both internally, and with my aforementioned healers.  In fact, this is the foundation for today’s “blissful” activity:

Meditation.  Today, I decided to use a new mantra in my practice.  A mantra that was shared with me in love, by a friend and shaman.  A mantra which would remind me to treat myself kindly and with charity:  “Trust and Compassion for SELF and others.”  Now, I know full well that the “SELF and” part would be the challenge, but I wholeheartedly believe that I am up for it!  I simply remember that being good to yourself is not at all ‘selfish’.  Rather, it is an essential aspect of wellness, which enables us to find our Bliss, and share it with each person our lives touch.  Now…. Where are my mala beads?......